Lots and lots O pennies
Alright, since I will be leagal soon, I started counting out my change bucket (also known as Lukes Hold'em bucket) so I can go to the casino and play some cards. I first had to go to the bank and get some coin rolls, cause I refuse to pay those stupid little machines 11 cents or so on to every dollar. Anyway, I got home, popped on my ipod, and listened to my praise and worship list while I counted quarters, dimes, nickels, and pennies until my fingers would seemingly fall off. First let me tell you of the wonders of technology...it is a wonderful thing. As much as I say I would like to go back to the days of hunting and gathering, where there's no such thing as bills and fuel for your ride wasn't $2.89 gallon cause it grew outside your little hut door...as much as that would be nice, I would have to have my ipod with me. Wonderful little gadgets they are. My ipod has 20 gigs, and currently has about 1500 songs (about 500 of which are rap...and that's cool and all, but when I put it on random that's about all that comes up), and could probably hold another 1000 or more. So anyway, I started off with Chris Tomlin (yeah, he rocks), and eventually it got through a couple ATS worship songs, and then to Delirious' live in the can cd. So I'm sitting here,...yes, still counting coins...worshiping as I go along, and I start to get this ancy feeling. And as delirious continued to play, and eventually (cause it's a live concert recording) one of the guys starts to sorta pray over the crowd and that generation, and the further and further he gets, the crowd gets with him more and more, and then slowly he starts to really enunciate the endings of his words. So I'm still listening and counting, and he goes on about how we are the lighT of the worlD, and a city on a hill cannoT be hiddeN, and how we should leT our lighT shiNe before meN, and jusT as someone would noT lighT a LamP and cover it with a bowl..., and about this time I have to pull my headphones out and clean the spit out of my ears, and I was slightly annoyed by the sort show he seemed to be putting on, cause I know there's no way this guy prays like this. However, I eventually got over it and continued to listen to Delirious live in England somewhere from the middle of my bedroom floor, and I could hear the crowd praying in the background, and I started to remember some of the awesome conferences I've been to, where God poured out his spirit, and everyone in the room couldn't help but fall to their knees, and I really began to get tired of regular old life. This urge to do more with my life grew inside of me...this desire to be used by God, and give praise and glory to his name just wouldn't subside. Those of you who know me well, know the passion I have for worship. I would honestly rather be a worship pastor than a youth pastor. I love them both, but my heart is really in worship. And my heart began to cry out to God to be used like that. I've always dreamed big, so this wasn't the first time I've closed my eyes and envisioned myself leading worship at some big concert or conference with thousands of people, and I know it sounds vein, but if I could do it and be invisible or have a mask that would be great. I really don't care. It's worship! It's all for Him! Whether it sounds like a selfish thing or not, God knows my heart, whether or not I can describe it in words. But anyway, so I sat there, still counting and worshiping, and I prayed that God would take my love of music and specifically worship, and use it for him. I really don't have to do it at some conference, or anything like that. Wherever he would have me is fine, but as long as I get to use the gifts he's given me.
I get kinda frustrated here sometimes cause I really don't get the opportunity to lead all that much. I've given up at youth so we can develop an actuall youth band (which is coming along nicely), and I hardly ever get to lead on Sundays because of some reason or another...and yes, I've talked to our worship pastor a little about it, and haven't gotten very far...I'll probably talk to him again, and tell him how much I really want to do this, and hopefully he'll understand. I really haven't made much of a fuss about it cause it's worship, and I can do that whether I lead or not, but it's been almost 2 years now, and I've probably gotten to lead maybe 4 or 5 times, and I feel like I might be letting that gift sorta get rough around the edges. If you don't use it, you lose it. But, I get to lead this sunday which is cool. I sometimes get worried about how it will come through (I never used to worry about that, but it seems the less I do it, the less confident I become), but all I want to do this sunday is to let my heart of worship be expressed to the Father, and I really think everything else will fall in place. And if not, it doesn't matter, it won't change my heart in the matter.
So, I've sorta dragged this out...it was supposed to be about how I want God to allow me to use my heart for worship, and how I have a lot of pennies...1173 to be exact...that's a lot of pennies...took quite a while to count it all, but I have 94 dollars and some add cents in that bucket...Adios.